Miss Communication 101

Miss Communication on Avoiding Moroccan Miscommunication

1. My good friend Sophia, the lovely girl who helped make my transition here in Morocco a memorable one, once told me to give out my cell phone number sparingly (good advice for anywhere in this world, I guess!). Morocco in particular revolves around a huge cell phone culture, to the point where many of my Moroccan friends own two phones - one from each of the major telephone companies - so that they can take advantage of both brands' promotions, and so that they can cheaply call their friends according to their phone alliances. Moroccans also have a tendency to call or SMS often. So I followed Sophia's counsel and thought twice before dishing out the digits. That is, until I had a conversation with my manicurist about her arranged marriage to an older Iraqi man who has a daughter her age. She finished up the tips of my French manicure with a "let's exchange numbers". I couldn't really object, especially given that she was in a very powerful position as she hovered over my hands with nail polish brush armed and ready to execute the final touches. BAD IDEA. Later that night I had already received 2 text messages from her and a few days later, she was having me passed around like a hot potato to everyone in her family. Akward. Next time, I'll keep my numbers to myself.

2. When walking around, avoid eye contact...unless you're hoping to leave Morocco with a husband as a souvenir.

3. However impressed you might be by the multi-lingual talent of passerby who can say "You're beautiful" or "Such pretty eyes" in 5 different languages, do not respond. Of course their observations are no word of a lie (ha!), but if you don't play deaf, you will risk being followed -- not quite what your mom wanted you to bring home from the market.

4. When greeting someone, you must follow the following steps (in the local Arabic dialect, of course): Ask how they are, ask how their family is, ask how their kids are, ask how their health is, and top it all off with a "Hamdillah" (thanks to God). Do not leave a step or a person out.

5. Greetings must also be accompanied by a kiss on both cheeks. Moroccans tend to add in a third kiss, but since you are a foreigner, they will assume that you will only kiss twice. There are exceptions, however, and this can lead to some awkward lips-hanging-in-the-air moments when you're about to throw in that extra smoocheroo and the other person has already backed away. My advice: YOU lead the puckering-up session by diving in for the third kiss as fast you can. A little extra love never hurt anyone, did it?

6. Learn 10 words in Dirija, the local Arabic dialect, and the Moroccans you meet with be highly impressed (...they might even assume you're fluent). Use the 10 words you know as frequently as you can. My current vocabulary successfully rests on the following words: nothing, a lot, a little, tired, hot, crazy, and of course- really crazy (refer to the next point for more details).

7. The best phrase to learn, I have discovered, is "You are crazy". In addition to scaring off predators by raising the topic of their legitimate insanity, it is also a great line to use jokingly with people - friends and strangers alike - to help break the ice. Wins over kids too, I have found. Last but not least, it's usually quite true: we're all a little crazy.. especially in Morocco.

8. When you see the word "ASS" on a billboard or a street sign, note that it does not refer to one's derrière. In fact, it is a shortened version of "Association", but it sure sounds funny to say that you are a member of a gym titled ASS CENTRAL (which, in my case, is actually true!).

9. English is idolized here, at least on T-shirts. One of the huge fashion fads right now is to wear shirts with English sayings on them, most of which make absolutely no sense whatsoever, as they are usually just a mix of random words and poor grammar. I'm often tempted to take my English lessons to the street by propping myself on a corner with a thick black marker in hand, so that I could re-write these pathetic attempts of T-shirts and put an end to the butchering of my language.

10. Last, but surely not the least: When in doubt, smile and nod (while acting blind and mute, of course). Then start twitching your head right to left, followed by some arm punches. Looking a little out of place?? You should.. that's Moroccan (Mis)Communication 101 for ya.

NOTE: There are, of course, exceptions to each of the aforementioned points. I am sure that not all manicurists are stalkers, nor are all signs with the word "ass" on it totally unrelated to that body part... regardless, this guide will prove to be highly accurate.